


Falling

by Pandir



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: A bit of hidden mage make outs, Allusion to what may be read as suicidal thoughts, Intimacy, Kinloch Hold, M/M, Mages struggling with relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-05 07:28:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6695410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pandir/pseuds/Pandir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I wouldn’t mind the falling part all that much", Anders added and he gave Karl a cheeky smile as he stepped up to him. "But I’m not too fond of the impact. It’s such a nasty business, and it would ruin my feathers."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling

**Author's Note:**

> Digging in the depths of meaning behind Anders' vague "he was my first" in an environment where defining their relationship was more than difficult.
> 
> Heavily inspired by the eponymous song by Florence + the Machine.

Dusk had fallen on this late summer's eve, and the world beyond the stained windows faded into darkness. The bell that announced it was time to finish the studies and hurry back to the dormitories had already rung a while ago, and the library was empty and silent.

Anders, too, should have been on his way to the apprentice quarters, but he was still lingering behind in the library’s reading hall, idly drawing patterns of fern frost on the wooden table surface he was sitting on while he waited. Karl was one of the older apprentices who were responsible for keeping the library in order, and so he had been putting books back onto shelves after the others had left and was now dutifully extinguishing all lights at the tables.

Karl used to tease Anders for never getting to the dorm in time, saying that he was much like a defiant child who wanted to drag out bedtime. It was not too far from the truth, Anders had conceded, since it was, of course, an act of defiance, but it was about the principle of not letting the Templars dictate his every waking and sleeping hour.

There soon had been more than that to it though. He had started to appreciate Karl’s company more than anything and was loath to part it, especially when evening conversations were cut short like this. They both had come to cherish every small moment they had for themselves.

Tonight, however, there was something else that made Anders wait. He had been carrying it with him all day, like an unspeakable secret, burning in the back of his mind and weighing heavy on his tongue. He needed Karl to know. But what to say, Anders was still very unsure of, just as he could hardly make sense of what exactly it was that upset him so.

"I’m done", Karl announced as he appeared between the high book shelves, a flame flickering right above his palm to light his way. It was a neat little trick that the Templars disapproved of, but as it was highly practical, it was often used when no Templars were around. Anders was quite fond of it, but his flame would always flicker or burn too hot. Karl's fire was burning without wavering, tame and steady, as if contained to a small sphere right above his palm. Karl had to teach him his secret sometime. 

Karl spoke up again, drawing Anders' attention away from the fire in his hand. "I’m certain they will check your dorm room first, after what transpired last week. You should hurry."

Anders casually waved that remark away. "It’s hard work to be notorious enough for special treatment", he declared as he pushed himself off the reading table, swinging his long, bony legs to land more or less gracefully on his feet. "Would not want to let it all go to waste."

And the rumours were exaggerating, as usual. There had been no attempt to descend the Circle Tower by climbing the outside walls. All that had transpired was that Anders had broken into the attic at night and climbed out of the small window to gain access to a balcony beneath for an unhindered view over the lands beyond the lake. Not his best plan, he had to admit, but the promise of the view at sunrise had been tempting. The stained windows were too thick to see much of the lands beyond, and even with Karl to occupy his mind and time, Anders could not help feeling awfully trapped behind the stone walls of the tower at times.

The last month had been especially unbearable. Day and night, Anders thoughts had kept returning to the balcony outside the Grand Enchanter's office, and his mind had been racing with ideas of how he’d show Karl, how they would stand there together when Ferelden rose from the darkness at dawn and Anders would point to the places he had already been to and those he’d yet love to see. 

In hindsight, the potential success of it all seemed much less likely, even though Anders still very much understood the sentiment. And he most definitely did not regret upsetting the Templars, either. 

"I should actually climb down the Tower next time", Anders mused, the memory of being dragged down the stairs from the attic and then locked away to do tedious archive work for days still fresh on his mind. He had spent most of the hours of his punishment by doodling on paper margins, simultaneously bored out of his skull and so restless that the time seemed to crawl on until it lost all meaning. "Maybe that would finally teach them to not give me ideas."

"You would most certainly fall, and that would hardly annoy them", Karl pointed out, while he was walking down the row of reading tables to see if everything was in order.

Casually, Anders moved his hand over the table surface to erase the fern patterns by evaporating them into the air.

"At least then I would be out of here", he gave back, not entirely able to banish all bitterness out of his voice.

When Anders looked up again, there was a shadow of worry on Karl's face. It was in the way he knitted his eyebrows, his gaze serious and searching. Anders could not stand seeing this expression on Karl, especially not directed at him. 

After he had been released from his punishment duties, Anders had chided himself for not telling Karl about his plans. Karl would have told him off, or at least he'd have been standing guard, and Anders would have appreciated both, eventually. It was good that Karl was cautious enough for the both of them, and not easily deterred when Anders was being difficult to reason with.

"I wouldn’t mind the falling part all that much", Anders added and he gave Karl a cheeky smile as he stepped up to him. "But I’m not too fond of the impact. It’s such a nasty business, and it would ruin my feathers." He caressed one of his feathery shoulders with almost convincing concern.

Karl shook his head, but when he spoke, Anders could hear him smiling. "In any case, I for my part would rather sleep tonight than to listen to Templar diatribe."

With that, he extinguished the light in his palm in order to open the heavy, wooden doors of the hall, but Anders quickly put his hand on his arm. "Wait."

"Anders-", Karl started as he turned to him, and Anders knew what he wanted to say -  _not the time, not the place_  -, but Karl fell silent as Anders pulled him closer, not for a kiss, but to wrap his arms around him.

They stood in silence in the darkening reading hall, Anders unusually quiet as he leaned into the embrace, his breath tickling the fine hairs on Karl’s neck.

"I snogged someone just yesterday", Anders said into the curve of Karl's shoulder, "in that corner behind the stairs, the one we discovered last month."

It wasn’t a confession. It hardly came as a surprise, too. Commitment was dangerous, everyone knew as much, but Anders liked the spontaneity and thrill of hidden adventures, and he had never made much of a secret of it. After their first time together, in pitch dark between the high shelves of the library, his hair tousled and cheeks glowing in the warm light of Karl's fire, Anders had declared with a wide, euphoric grin that he was very intent on trying out each and every possible hiding spot in the Circle Tower. Karl, a bit quieter back then, the stubble on his cheeks not a full beard yet but already suiting him well, had tugged a strand of stray hair behind Anders’ ear and urged him to keep his voice low, but Anders had caught the smile in the creases around his eyes.

Now, Karl did not move, still warm against him, and Anders felt his hands steady at his back. He was waiting for him to continue, Anders suspected, but this part was harder and he struggled with finding words to convey the suffocating feeling that welled up inside of him again. He took a deep breath, allowing himself to relax into the embrace. Karl's robes smell of dust, of hours bend over books, his fingers caressing words as they brushed over the parchment with a careful consideration. Anders fingers were ink stained and restless as they played with the hem at Karl's shoulders, his heart pounding. Here he was, torn between wanting Karl to know what plagued him and being even more afraid to admit it.

Anders was pretty open to sexual escapades - he just responded well to flattery and pretty faces and lewd suggestions whispered right under the Templars' noses. After he had found out about all the fun things one could do in storage rooms and remote corners if one was fast and adept enough, Anders did not want to let good opportunities go to waste.

Still, somehow, his mind had not been in it. Inevitably, though his mouth and hands had been occupied, Anders' thoughts had drifted on their own, to the smell of parchment and the lingering smoke of candles, and soft words, breathless, urgent with both caution and need.  _Karl's fingers still lingering, thumbs brushing his jaw, and the elevating feeling in Anders' chest at Karl's reluctance to part._

Heated kisses and rustling robes had brought Anders back to the situation at hand, pressed into the small space between the cool stone behind the winding stairs. But something about the small sighs against his lips had struck him as discordant, so close to what he needed, but not at all what he wanted - just like the thin soft hair and the smooth chin had felt nothing like the wiry hair tickling and scratching so beautifully against his skin that he had become so used to.  
Even when Anders had tried to drown his confusing thoughts by throwing himself into another rushed kiss, the unknown lips against his only had served to make him wish for them to be coarser, for their lines to slowly trace familiar patterns over the freckles of his neck and shoulders. In this moment, the longing for Karl's embrace had hit him so hard and unexpected, Anders had to recoil and excuse himself, face red and his stomach heavy with a strange feeling of dread that had been knotting up his insides ever since.

His confession was but a whisper, words murmured into the curve of Karl's neck.

"I could only think of you."

Karl did not answer but his hands did not shift, either. With his face buried in Karl's shoulder like this, Anders could catch the faint smell of amber burned deep into the fabric of his robes. All mages were taught a good bit of battle magic, and Karl had an affinity for fire. Anders loved the light scent of singed cloth about him that spoke of bright, ardent flames hot enough to incinerate all that would burn. He inhaled it as he pressed closer, his fingers digging into Karl's back.  
In response, Karl held him tightly, and Anders liked to think, _to hope_ , he understood.

"Are you afraid?" Karl asked, finally, quietly. His words seemed to hang in the air of the vast, dim hall, and Anders was very aware of all the questions behind them, looming.

 _If you want to end this,_  Anders heard,  _I would not hold it against you._

It felt like the ground was shifting beneath his feet, his stomach lurching as it had been at the sight of the steep tower walls. Still, Anders did not move. Instead, he held onto Karl, his fingers tightening at Karl’s back, and closed his eyes.

Who would not be afraid, Anders thought, of what this could be? Of the consequences?

All he knew was that this was everything, that all other concerns, even his fears, paled into meaninglessness. Anders could almost ignore them when they were together like this, so close that for a moment, a blissful moment, they were inseparable.

Karl was here with him, and now that he had him, Anders could not imagine life in the Circle without him.

With him, Anders could endure it all. And he'd be damned if he let the Templars take this away from them.

He took a deep breath, like he was bracing himself for a leap.

"No", Anders said softly, but with the force of conviction, and as the word left his mouth, it felt true.


End file.
